Monday, April 30, 2012

A Mouse Masquerading as a Mountain Lion

This blog is, in part, to honor and pay tribute to those who suffer from mental illness. 
This blog is, in part, to tell the story of one girl who refuses to be a victim to mental illness.
This blog is, in part, to all the masquerading mice out there.

Now, anyone who has met me would never accuse me of being a mouse. I excel at public speaking.  I can naturally assume leadership roles. I am not afraid to back down from a fight. I stand up and voice my opinion. When needed I will stand up and voice other people's opinion. I fight for myself. I fight for the underdog. I sit on committees with deans and presidents of the university. I am someone who would hardly be considered a mouse.

But I am a mouse.  A mouse masquerading as a mountain lion.

I have generalized anxiety disorder, that I feel is slowly worsening.  I may or may not have a little depression, the two are so close together.  The anxiety is worse. It maybe my fault.  After all, I am an introvert acting as an extrovert. I am a mouse going against all of my normal preferences.

Not that doing so is a bad thing.  There is nothing wrong with being able to communicate effectively to a large group.  There is nothing wrong with being able to lead.  There is nothing wrong with stading up for one's self and not being afraid to stand up for others.

But you have to be prepared for the possible problems that come with acting against your nature to a great degree.  Eventually the nature comes out. Eventually the mouse needs to run and hide.

This is the story about dealing with the life of a person who has to almost constantly act contrary to her nature.  But I have been doing this so long that contrary IS my nature, and maybe it always was.  So this is also the story about dealing with being someone who is constantly at odds with yourself.

A mouse and a mountain lion. way this CAN'T go wrong, right? 

1 comment:

  1. Wow. It's amazing how many bloggers struggle like this. I certainly empathize because I've been there too. Don't get me wrong I'm not even remotely claiming to offer advice, I'm certainly not qualified.

    One funny thing I notice is that yes, you can feel like you're pretending to be the mountain lion and the anxiety etc is telling you that you're the mouse. Once you get it under some serious control you might just see that you're actually the mountain lion after all and that maybe you actually do some pretty amazing stuff, and have amazing stories to tell, and blah blah.

    Honest I came by your blog by accident and I was looking to be silly. Now I don't feel like being silly. What I want to do is let you know you're not alone and what you're feeling is not uncommon. It just feels like it. I want for you to feel better, but then so do you. If you have a good doctor who you trust then please stick with him or her. They get it. Don't don't don't please oh please don't go following the advice you might see on self-help message boards. There might be some info, but there's a lot of misinformation too. Anyway, genuine peace to you.