Shouting in my sleep, I need a muzzle.

One would think that sleep would be an escape. After all that is why people sleep so much when stressed, right?
Well what happenes when even in your dreams you are screaming, crying, and having panic attacks? How are you supposes to get through your days when you can't even get through your nights without your brain breaking down and begging you to quit? I mean my psyche was just flipping out last night. I was having intense crying jags, panic attacks, and seriously considering a medical leave of absence in my dreams. Really, it doesn't make for positive, productive days. And it is not like Sunday is really a work day.
Even once I got out of the panic dream loop I was still stressed and panicked in the dream (apparently I need to watch less Wizards of Waverly place).
I need restful sleep, not more stressful sleep.

Where/When the hell am I?

Its like when you are exhausted and sleeping in a strange bed.  You wake up and have a moment of  "Where the hell am I?!?"
Only it happens when you are awake.
And it is freaking weird.
Seriously, I just had a momentary freak out as I looked around my work place and for a nanosecond had no freaking clue where I was. My stomach lurched, I started to panic, and I looked around trying to find some clue until my brain finally was like  "...wait... ok..got this.  Sorry, boss."
Last week, after a grueling mental thought session (SHUT UP! THINKING HARD! BURNS CALORIES!), I was driving around town and part of my brain SWORE I was in Mississippi, not in Texas.  It was like my eyes were taking in Texas, part of my brain was navigating around Texas, and the other part of my brain was like "Isn't Mississippi wonderful?  I am so happy to be here! I love this town". But... I know that the place it was remembering is not the same today as it was 4+ years ago when I lived there. And when my fiancee tried to explain where this alcoholic slushee place was I was trying to figure out where the road was and I couldn't because Mississippi and Texas don't coexist on a map!... so I had to sit and convince that part of my brain that it was freaking lost in time and space.
Not a pleasant discussion to have with yourself. (also, probably indicative that alcoholic slushees are a bad idea, at least for the immediate time being)
Apparently though, it does happen.  I have a friend who, occasionally, swears she gets lost in time.  She doesn't know WHEN she is. We joke and just say she is a woman ahead of her time.  But, honestly, it is a creepy feeling to know exactly where you are.... but not sure about when you are.
Its not quite the dissassociative disorder thing.  You are still a part of your body, and capable of interacting with things.  You just feel like the guy from Quantum Leap, only you are not used to that shit so it is really freaky.   
At least de ja vu is cool.  This is just plain freaky.
Though if I could Quantum Leap out of grad school that would be AWESOME!

Why me?

Finally got to have a little sit down to plan out my work to try and graduate. And, of course, I got the you need to work more/harder. That I need to be in the lab earlier. Well, sorry but sometimes early in the morning it is freak out time. I just kinda wig out, I have never, ever claimed to be a morning person.
But everyone else gets into work around 10am. And they leave at 5. With a one hour lunch break.
I get in, on a bad day, around 11. I leave around 6. And I am usually too stressed to eat lunch.
So why am I expected to work 10 hour days? I mean....no one else does.
I just wish I could explain that working 10 hour days is going to make things worse, not better?

Why did we not do this SOONER!!

OK.  My boss wants to save money. I understand.  I spent about 5 months trying to fix two little tings wrong with my research.  5. Months. Since January. Doing it his preferred way.
I just fixed both problems in about a week and a half doing it the easy way.
Really?  We could not have done it the easy way a few months ago when we were under a time crunch? 
Science hates me, I swear.
Also, the expensive machine I need for only 3 hours has decided it doesn't want to work right now. 
I would like not to work right now too.
Asshat machine.

Facebook...not supposed to be a drama farm once you are out of Jr High

Ok.  So I generally try to keep my Facebook drama/troll free.  I have friends, and yes we disagree politically, but we agree not to start shit.  We all know, mostly, where the lines are and unless we are teasing, try not to start pointless arguments that will just leave us pissed.
SO, yesterday I posted a picture of Irena Sendler, who worked to save over 2500 kids from the Warsaw ghetto. With the picture was commentary about how she deserved the Nobel Peace Prize, for which she was nominated, more than Al Gore or Barack Obama.  Which is true. Al Gore won for an over bloated, not entirely scientific power point, and Obama won it for being....well... himself.  Obama won on the premise that he was going to bring peace to the world and give every child a kitten. 
Normal stuff for me.  I don't overly vett my Facebook, cause it is fun commentary.  Not to mention I have no problem admitting when I am wrong. 
THEN ENTER CRAZY LEFT WING STATIST PROFESSOR!
Now, I generally DON'T friend professors I actually know on Facebook.  I have some academic crushes I friend, because I am a nerd. But if I know you from class or around the department, no Facebook friend.  But apparently I was feeling generous one day when Facebook suggested her as a friend and I was like "Sure. why not. She's not too crazy."
WRONG! WRONGY WRONG WRONGNESS!
So she like ATTACKS me saying that Global Warming is REAL (not), that a majority of the scientific community agrees with it (not), and lists why the Nobel gave the awards (geo-political social commentary was the *real* reason). And she sums it up with "I am disappointed in you".  
Excuse me?
You are what?
Are you my mother?
So... that kinda trips a little trigger I have.  I volley back a few points of my own, ask if we are going to start citing wikipedia, and point out that the Nobel have no place making political commentary. Not their job. 
She writes back but I'm busy doing...you know... work (which...why is she not doing work?).
AND THEN MY MOTHER GETS IN ON IT!
Now look.  I love my Momma.  But she is right wing crazy. She accuses my professor of drinking the Kool-aid, they exchange some leftist-right wing traditional banter/talking points, and I look for places to hide. 
At the advice of my fiancee I shut it down.  Not knowing how to pull the plug on ALL THAT CRAZY I actually unfriended the professor and just deleted all the comments.  Hence why there are no direct quotes. 
So... I actually managed to handle most of it without hyperventilating or having a panic attack.  Though I am still waiting for my PI to come up and say something.  Luckily he is older and so not into the Facebook thing. I hope if she does say anything to him about it he would tell her he doesn't care. 

And if anyone reading this totally believes global warming, I have two words for you: dinosaur farts. 
Seriously.  I can't take that field seriously if that is a legitimate topic of discussion. 

Did that really just happen....?

I.... I just had a professor start a freaking FACEBOOK FIGHT with me?!  What the HELL just happened?!?
The woman has a DVM/PhD and started a fucking teenage worthy political facebook fight with me!

I... I need time to process this shit and I will totally tell you about it.

But really?

She even pulled out the "I am disappointed in you" card.  Really?  On Facebook?

I just had to unfriend a professor because she started shit fight on Facebook. 

I need a drink.

I want OUT

I want a divorce from my PI.
Seriously. He can keep the house, the car, the boat, the whatever.
I want my degree, the dog, and the fuck out!

Seriously, the last bit of the grad experience is the want to completely sever the relationship, burn the bridge, and never talk to the fucker again.

Unfortunately said fucker still has to write you letters of recommendation.  Damn it.

I just want a job!  With dental! And for people to call me Dr.  And to never have to listen to this man say things again that may hugely impact my career or ability to have one. So I ask for too much here?

I want a damn life where I am not so paranoid or anxious.  I don't want to have to feel the need to hide in the bathroom anytime he walks in the door.  I am tired of constantly feeling like I am going to hurl anytime I think he just walked into the lab.

Mostly I am tired of having to portray this person I think he wants to see.  I am not an idiot.  I do stupid things sometimes, but who doesn't.  I am tired of feeling like he is arguing and testing me all the time.   

I am tired of wanting to punch him in the face.  He is not a complete ass-hat.  Note: I said he is not a COMPLETE ass-hat.  He still has plenty of ass-hat to be considered an ass-hat.  The ass-hat.

But right now he is being a huge Ass-hat and the ass-hattery needs to end.  Or have an end point.

Ass-hat.